One Month

Dear Sawyer,

You are one month old now.  I'm amazed at how fast and slow the past four weeks have gone.  I know that sounds crazy, but the first week home seems like a lifetime ago and yesterday all at the same time.  You are changing so much every day. You weigh 8 pounds 8 ounces, and you are now 21 inches long.  

You love your hands.  In fact, you hate to be swaddled because you love having your hands at your face.  When I'm feeding you, I have to move those stubborn hands out of the way - sometimes you try to suck the bottle and your hand at the same time.  

Those hands.

You got caught sucking your thumb. 

You love to lay on your changing pad.  You look up at the shelf above it and stare like it's the best thing you've ever seen.  And as long as we lay you there and don't try to change you, you're fine. 

You prefer not to take baths.  I hope that changes one day.  I try to sing to you while I wash, but you're really not having any of it.  You especially hate when it's time to get out of the bath.  I must be the meanest mommy in the whole world since I still insist on bathing you nightly and rubbing lavender lotion all over your little body. It makes you smell delicious. 

Your personality is already starting to shine through, and your Daddy and I can tell you are going to be a stubborn little thing. You already know what you want, and what you don't want, and you are sure to let us know very quickly.  I love when you purse your lips together and refuse to take your pacifier, or how you spit your bottle out when you finished.  

Your signature look.  

That gas is funny stuff. 

You have a wonderful set of lungs that you love to exercise daily. That's a nice way of saying that you cry...a lot.  Your Dad and I have come up with many different ways to try and soothe you, but, secretly, I love when I scoop you up and you immediately stop crying.  When you do finally fall asleep, I love the way you smack your lips through your dreams. 

Daddy's getting the hang of this.

Crying or not, I can't stop staring at you.  I'm amused by the way your wrinkle your forehead when you're trying to figure something out.  I'm pretty certain you have the most handsome face I've ever seen...even when it's red with anger.  

Tummy time is not your favorite activity. 

I'm not always sure if I'm doing this mommy thing the right way, but I hope you always know how much joy you bring me.  

Love,

Mommy 

My Funny Valentine

Our little booger was very alert for his first Valentine's Day.  Both Gigi and Mimi showed Sawyer some love with new outfits for the occasion.  You can never have too many Valentine's Day outfits in my opinion anyway, and this sweet boy has more than enough love to go around.

Our Snow Baby

We never get much snow here in Georgia, so the fact that Sawyer came home during SnowJam 2014 deserves to be well documented.

We left the hospital right before the big storm hit.  There were only a few flakes falling as we made our way home.  It did take us longer than normal to get home, but that had more to do with the our precious cargo than the snow.  

Sweet boy was not allowed to play in this snowstorm. We mostly stayed bundled up in the house trying to get the hang of our new normal.

Welcome to the World Baby Boy!

Exhausted doesn't even begin to describe it,.  Love doesn't touch it. I'm not quite sure there is a word that can fully capture the all-encompassing, completely overwhelming, explosion of my heart.  This sweet baby boy has taken us by storm, and I'm not sure who I was before him.

Much to my little OCD loving heart, sweet Sawyer had his own birth plan that was much different than mine. On January 8, 2014, my blood pressure decided to spike and thus began a little three-week journey we can now refer to as "waiting on Sawyer".  There were several trips to the hospital triage during this time and several phone calls that ended with "he's just not ready yet".  Finally, on January 24, 2014, at 39 weeks and 1 day, my doctor decided it was time to induce.  And that was the last full night of sleep I'll ever have. 
On Saturday, January 25, 2014, Andrew and I ate at Provino's before heading to the hospital.  We arrived at 9:30 pm on the dot.
Both of us were pretty giddy with excitement and anticipation.
Neither of us knew what to expect or how our lives were about to change.  I've thought back on this evening several times.  I'm not sure what I would say to those two people who were about to become parents. I imagine I would tell them to soak it all up because I've been trying to relive every moment since then.

My contractions started to pick up around 1:00am, and Sawyer's heart rate began to decrease.  The nurses kept coming in and telling me to change positions which made breathing through the contractions much harder.  I texted my mom around 3:00 am, and she and my dad made their way to hospital.  My contractions began coming back to back with no relief, but my body still would not dilate.  Finally, my doctor gave the go-ahead for an epidural.  The thought was that if my body could relax then maybe I would dilate. I was pumped for some relief, but everything after the epidural is pretty much bits and pieces.  My blood pressure dropped immediately after the epidural and Sawyer's heart rate also declined.  I remember lying there thinking I was going to pass out, but also hearing nurses swarm around me about how long he'd been down.  My doctor was called, and they gave me a shot to stop the contractions.  I knew that a c-section was coming at that point.  I cried.  I felt guilty that I couldn't deliver my baby the way I supposed to deliver.  Now, looking back, what does that mean anyway? And how, before there was even a baby in my arms, was I already feeling "mom-guilt"?

Sawyer Hearn Clower was born via c-section at 10:37 am with the cord wrapped tightly around his neck.  My doctor said the whole delivery was a "God-thing" because my little boy was meant to be born that day, via induction and c-section. No one knew the cord was around his neck. God had a plan the whole time.
I went skin-to-skin with Sawyer within an hour after he was born. Andrew changed before my eyes from my high-school sweetheart to a father.  I was in awe of how he handled Sawyer.  How he stood guard at the door for any visitor that might bring germs.

I never felt myself turn into a mother. But when he cries, my whole body aches, and when he looks up at me, my heart rises to my throat. It's a million times better than I ever imagined it would be.