Tuesday, July 17, 2012

The "What If" Game

I'm scared. The inevitable is approaching, and my stomach is in knots. I'm having back surgery on Thursday. There. I said it. It must be true. 

It's all been a whirlwind really.  I've been dealing with back pain from a ruptured disc for over a year now. Debilitating, not-sure-I-was-going-to-be-able-to-walk-down-the-aisle type of pain.  I've had three epidurals. One lasted a good six months, the other two about two weeks.  The last straw has been the recent numbness in my legs. Searing, painful numbness that makes it really hard to sleep. So, finally, I've been given the surgery route, and I'm scared. 

Silly, really.  I'm talking the worst case scenarios that are perpetuated by the fact that it's 3:00 am, and I'm still lying awake thinking up even worse scenarios.  What if I wake up during surgery? What if I never wake after surgery? What if the pain is so bad but I'm too doped up to be able to tell anyone?  What if they hit a nerve and I never walk again?  

My students try to play the "What If" game with me about ten times a day. I never give in. So why am I giving in now? 

Sidenote: It goes without saying that my 30-Day Challenge is on hold right now. Jillian Michaels, when I can walk again, I'm coming for you!


  1. Hi Elyse, I went through this exact same thing three summers ago...Natalie was four weeks old when I ruptured my L4 and L5. Lived with it for one month shy of three years, miserable, almost unbearable at times pain. I had surgery on May 19, 2009. It was immediate relief of the searing pain. Of course, there was surgery-related discomfort but NOTHING compared to the pre-surgery pain. Remember when I told you months ago just to go and ahead and have the surgery? Do it. I don't regret mine a bit. Don't freak yourself over the 'what if's" - you'll be fine. When you wake up after the surgery you won't believe it's over because it seems to happen in a flash. Seriously, relax, now your pain is almost behind you. Thursday will be the beginning of getting your life back. :)

  2. Best of luck to you!! I can't imagine what that's like. I'm no stranger to health issues and it really makes you want your quality of life improved!!

  3. Praying for a speedy and safe recovery. If you need anything, please don't hesitate to call me. I know you'd call family first, but if you need any help with anything, let me know! Love ya!