I'm scared. The inevitable is approaching, and my stomach is in knots. I'm having back surgery on Thursday. There. I said it. It must be true.
It's all been a whirlwind really. I've been dealing with back pain from a ruptured disc for over a year now. Debilitating, not-sure-I-was-going-to-be-able-to-walk-down-the-aisle type of pain. I've had three epidurals. One lasted a good six months, the other two about two weeks. The last straw has been the recent numbness in my legs. Searing, painful numbness that makes it really hard to sleep. So, finally, I've been given the surgery route, and I'm scared.
Silly, really. I'm talking the worst case scenarios that are perpetuated by the fact that it's 3:00 am, and I'm still lying awake thinking up even worse scenarios. What if I wake up during surgery? What if I never wake after surgery? What if the pain is so bad but I'm too doped up to be able to tell anyone? What if they hit a nerve and I never walk again?
My students try to play the "What If" game with me about ten times a day. I never give in. So why am I giving in now?